Moments of Gold and Flashes of Light
by Supsi85
Summary: Lily and Rufus haven't seen each other in years until one night in 1997 they happen to run into each other.
1. Can't Remember Where or When or How

_**Author's note:**__ Thank you Rashmika for going through this story for me and correcting the grammar for me:) And I'd also like to thank Magda and Danila for being so supportive and telling me to publish this. It's my first story ever and since English isn't even my first language it was all quite scary for me haha. I'd appreciate any constructive feedback on my writing though. _

It had all turned into a blur, the room, the people, even her own thoughts were hard to hear for the white noice covered up everything that wasn't right. Lily stood in a huge sky-lit hall at Columbia University and watched as the crowds of people around her discussed topics relating to diseases she had never heard of in every gory detail. She was wearing a pink silky gown, not the type of a dress she would usually wear but then again it wasn't her typical evening either. She had agreed to accompany William to this event after he had contacted her in need of company to go with. He hadn't actually begged her to go and probably was surprised when Lily didn't take long to think about it. She wasn't sure why she had agreed. These types of events weren't the place for her to shine. In fact she couldn't even talk about her doctor husband as they had been divorced for a couple of years already. Nevertheless she had left Eric and Serena at home for Klaus, her husband of six months, to look after. He had not been happy about the idea of Lily going to an event with her ex-husband but knew better than to start an argument over it.

"Excuse me, Mrs. Van Der Woodsen, is it?" Lily turned around to face a blond haired woman, probably in her early 40's eyebrows sticking up to her ears after what seemed like a fairly recent face-lift. "Ah yes", Lily said forgetting to which husband her name was referring to. It still was her name. She hadn't given much thought to it after she had divorced William. Changing her name once seemed appropriate enough. "Mrs. Guinness I presume, it has been a long time"Lily said shooting a hardly noticeable glance at the woman's dress which was clearly suited for someone 20 years younger. Maybe it was a good thing she had left this circle. She wouldn't get sucked into plastic surgery and desperately trying to look younger just to keep her man from running off to a 20-something girl on his numerous business trips. Not that she'd believe the latter would ever apply to her, she had her ways. She was already losing her focus with this woman. What was she talking about? The names she kept dropping must have had something to do with her husband's work so Lily smiled and nodded with a fake enthusiasm.

"So what is William going to talk about today? Silly me, I didn't even look at the list! I've been trying to get used to the Manhattan scene again after we spent all those years in L.A. while Richard was working at this private clinic with his old friend from medical school. Such an amazing place, I am telling you you'll never get tired of the sunshine but as years go by you'll start to look at things differently and we were never going to stay there forever. Anyway, I'm just blabbering now. What's going on with you? How are things with you and Dr. Van Der Woodsen?"

Great they were back to the topic "William" and apparently this woman didn't know about her first divorce, second marriage, quick divorce and an even quicker marriage. She had somehow managed to find the one woman on Upper East Side who was unaware of her reputation.

"Oh William and I broke up a few years ago" she said a little more lightly than she had meant to. "But we are still good friends and with Eric and Serena, our two wonderful children, we will always be there for each other." Now that was weighing more on the side of untruth. Eric and Serena had not seen William since then and she planned to keep it that way. There was no use in going back to the past to face things that had ended for a reason. Her mind was wandering again. This woman, who's first name had escaped her, she could only remember her husband because he had been a friend of William's, must have commented on her answer but now she was back to talking about L.A. and what an important part Richard had played there. He had had so many famous people from the entertainment industry as patients. Lily tried her hardest to look interested but as it never came quite as naturally to her as she would have liked she was just waiting for William to save her from the pointless one-sided conversation. Suddenly she caught a glimpse of him alone on the other side of the room and desperately trying to get rid of her old/new acquintance she made a quick excuse to go find a phone to make an important call.

She made her way to William her stomach twisting with a sudden urge to leave even though the event had barely even started. "Lily, I'm sorry for taking so long" William said apologetically."Daniel was so keen on talking about vaccinations and trying to shake of last minute nerves." He took a step back and had a look at Lily's dress. "You know, I did lie a little just now." He smiled at her. "I was just standing there and watching you. You truly are the most beautiful woman in this room." He looked right into her eyes as he said warmly "just so you know".

Lily smiled. She could never resist a compliment and started to feel slightly better. As she walked to the conference hall with him she couldn't help but think about how similar her feelings were to both William and Klaus. They were such amazing men and she had let William go because she couldn't stand being alone in a marriage. The business trips were endless. Klaus was just like him but he would always be there for her. She had come to the event with mixed feelings but now she knew what she wanted. She would make it work with Klaus. Serena was already throwing sarcastic remarks about her men and Lily was beginning to think she might actually begin to loathe her once she reached puberty. From her own experience she was not expecting Serena's teenage years to sail by smoothly. Her daughter would need a stable father figure and for that Klaus would be perfect.

Rufus felt like his world was crashing down and the fourth beer only seemed to be making everything feel ten times worse. He sat at the table in a tavern with his friends Mike and Sam who had invited him for a guys' night out after Alison had dropped the bomb. She had been staying at her mother's with Jenny and Dan for some time now and tonight she had informed Rufus she would not be returning for a while because she needed some time to "figure things out". Everything had been going so well for them. He had recently opened an art gallery and the job had made him feel happy and full of energy. At home everything had been going as smoothly as ever and he couldn't wrap his head around why Alison was unhappy. It was driving him crazy and there was nothing he could do about it.

The soccer game his friends had been watching ended and they decided to head home back to their wives. Rufus told them he'd stay till a bit later. He was tired but going back home to Brooklyn from Manhattan seemed too big of an effort at that very moment. He would have much rather felt miserable at the bar that was across the street from the loft. As he drowned down his beer he kept thinking about Alison and the ways he could make up for whatever it was that he'd done that had caused all this. She would come back, she had to. He couldn't imagine how everything would work out with Jenny and Dan if she didn't.

Half an hour had passed after his friends had left when he noticed a woman walking in. There was something about the length of her figure and the way she carried herself that reminded Rufus of someone, a woman like her, yet not as elegant but definitely as confident and attractive. As she got closer to the bar he suddenly recognized her as Lily Rhodes, the only woman who had ever managed to drive him both crazy and wild with every kind of human emotion he was capable of having, and even after that she would still find a way to surprise him in some other completely unexpected way. He had not seen her in ten years and she sure had changed a lot. He knew she had married Dr. William Van Der Woodsen years later but that was all he knew of her. A sports bar like the one they were in now would have fit them well back in the day but now she seemed lost, as if completely out of place. Rufus got up. There was no way he would let her leave without at least saying mind was suddenly filled with questions and what ifs. Out of all the nights he happened to see her on this particular one. It had to mean something. He made his way towards her wondering how quickly she would recognize him.


	2. It Was More Than Any Laws Allow

"Ummm…can I have a glass of the house wine, red. please?" Lily looked back from the drink menu on the wall now knowing there was no point in being any more specific. She was already dreading what she would get. When the bartender was pouring her a glass from of suspicious looking black bottle she heard a familiar voice next to her. "Returning to your roots Van Der Woodsen?"

She could recognize that voice anywhere and froze for a second to clear her head. Then she looked at Rufus desperately trying to keep her cool. "It was never my plan, Rufus." William had offered to take her home but she told him she would call her driver. Instead she had wandered off to find a quiet place to relax as the evening had worn her off more than she had expected. Unfortunately all she could find near Columbia were the kind of bars huge masses of students would go to. This one had seemed like the best option. At least until now.

"Well then why are you here Lily? I am not saying I'm not happy to see you, I have actually been meaning to talk to you for a while now."

"About what?" Lily was suddenly alarmed although she didn't know why. She was also annoyed when Rufus paid for her drink without asking her as if they were already on some kind of a date but she didn't want to argue about it in front of the bartender.

"You know, catch up. Hear about how life is on the Upper East Side. Did all your dreams come true?"

And here she was thinking the stressful part of the evening was over.

"Well the kids are cared for and we have enough money to support us for a lifetime so yes I am doing well."

"What about Dr. Van Der Woodsen?"

What was it with this night and all the questions about William? Lily was eager to change the subject.

"I re-married, his name is Klaus Fuerst and if you excuse me I will now go sit at a table as far away from you as possible."

"That's funny Lil', I was just going to sit as close to you as possible" he said with a laugh and then continued on a more serious tone. "One doesn't get too many chances to catch up with the legendary Rhodes girls so I'll gladly take an opportunity when I see one."

No one had called her "Lil'" for years and it took her by surprise. But then again she already knew what she was going to do the moment he came to talk to her.

"Well why not, but only for a short while. I'll need to head home soon" she said glancing at her watch. It was 8:30 pm and she wondered if she should find a phone to call Klaus and tell him she would be late. But with what excuse? No, she would leave soon.

They sat down and began talking. Soon the music was blaring so loud they had to move right next to each other to hear what the other one was saying. It didn't bother them and Lily was starting to feel right at home, even if the wine tasted really bad. Rufus offered her his beer which she declined and ordered another glass of the same wine in the end.

She was feeling giddy when Rufus brought their second drinks to the table.

"This kind of reminds me of how we used to drink a couple of beers backstage before the concerts, you remember?" Lily said wistfully looking at Rufus' beer.

"Does that mean you'd like to have beer after all" he winked.

Lily laughed. "Oh no, those days are behind me now but it was fun." She looked into her glass. "Do you ever think about those days?" She was really curious about how Rufus felt about their time together now that he had married and had children.

"Sometimes, yeah." Rufus was sure Lily would be surprised to know how much he actually remembered and now that he thought about it he was sure not a day had passed that he hadn't thought about Lily in some way. Not directly, it was more subconsciously but she was there in everything he did. He looked at her and smiled. "We made some fun memories, didn't we?"

"We did" Lily sighed. "Maybe one day I'll tell my children about it, not in detail of course" she said emphasizing the word "not" and took a sip from her glass.

"It would be funny you know, if our kids met one day" Rufus smiled. "I'm sure Serena would be just as beautiful as her mother and Dan would fall for her instantly."

"Yes that would be very funny indeed Rufus" Lily rolled her eyes remembering the reason for why it would not be funny at all.

"Well you never know" Rufus grinned.

Lily felt suddenly anxious and looked at her watch. It was already 9:30 pm and she knew she had extended her evening as far as possible. "I really should leave now Rufus. I'm going to call the driver to pick me up. Do you need a ride home?"

"Sure, it's getting late anyway." Rufus poured down the rest of his drink and they both got up and headed to the bar to ask for phone.

The car stopped at the loft and they both looked at each other smiling. "Thank you Rufus. I had a wonderful time." She glanced down. "It was such a fun reminder of how we used to be back then, back when everything was so simple."

"It never was simple now was it Lil'?" Rufus said his eyes fixed on hers and his tone so serious it made her slightly uncomfortable. Not knowing what to say she just sat quiet and waited for him to continue. "I am happy for you, I really am. I hope you know that. I will never look back on our time together with the slightest bit of regret because it was, in my mind, apart from having Dan and Jenny, the best time of my life." He took a deep breath. "And having those memories is what counts in the end, isn't it?" Lily had that weird feeling in her stomach again. She wished she could have said the same exact things in return but somehow all she felt about their time together was regret. Over the years she had got so tired of feeling this way so instead of dealing with it all she had decided to push it all back, all the way back to that moment she had left Rufus. Everytime those feelings would come back to haunt her she would take a different turn in life and find something that would make her forget. It had worked out well for her until now but here he was shoving it all in her face again. She didn't have the energy to form a decent goodbye speech so instead she kept it simple."Goodbye Rufus".

"Bye Lily" he said with a weak smile as he stepped out of the town car. Lily didn't watch him leave. Suddenly she felt so empty and could hardly hear the driver asking where they should head next.

"Can you take me back home, thank you." As they took off she looked out of the window at all the people out on a Saturday night in Brooklyn. There were young people heading to house parties, some were leaving restaurants. She looked to her other side and noticed Rufus' gloves still on the seat. It was as if they were begging her to go back to the loft to return them. She could just as well send someone to bring them back later, or she could mail them. Now that would be just ridiculous. She shouldn't…but she would.

"I'm sorry but can we go back? I need to take care of one more thing."

"Back to where Mr. Humphrey left off."

"Yes."

"No problem."

They were back at the loft and Lily got out of the car. She awkwardly told the driver not to wait up and headed to the door. It felt like Rufus took forever to answer the intercom and she was getting ready to turn on her heels and run as fast as she could. Finally he let her in.

"I'm sorry to bother you so late Rufus" Lily said as she got to the floor of the apartment and saw Rufus standing in the doorway. "But I noticed you forgot your gloves and I just thought I might as well return them now while I'm still here." Rufus smiled amused and for a second Lily wondered if he had done it on purpose.

"Well thank you Lily" he said taking his gloves and then quickly looked into the apartment. "I just made some coffee, I didn't feel like sleeping just yet. Would you like some?"

Lily looked around feeling nervous but finally nodded."Sure, why not." As she got in she felt her mood lighten up a bit and she took a small tour around the living room area.

"You never told me you were such an art fan before" she said looking at all the rock n' roll themed paintings on the walls.

"What can I say, dating a photographer made me appreciate all the finer things in life" he said as he walked to her with two cups of coffee in his hands.

"Coffee?" Lily asked.

"Yes, I thought that's what we agreed upon" Rufus said trying not to burst into laughter.

"Sure why not" Lily said as she took one cup in her hand her eyes fixed on one painting particular. In it was a woman at a concert standing in the crowd her eyes shining with excitement. Lily wondered if that's how Rufus had seen her back then. She took a sip of her coffee and her face twitched when she tasted it. It was just plain black coffee.

"I'm sorry Lil', I was meaning to give you this one" Rufus said pointing to the other cup "but I don't think you are listening to me at all tonight".

"You think you're so funny, don't you?" Lily wanted to be angry with him but a little smile escaped her lips as she turned to face him and took her cup."Trust me, I can be very hard to handle when I'm angry."

"Never wanted it any other way" Rufus said taking a long look at her face and smiled when he remembered just how many times Lily had thrown her famous tantrums at him.

"Oh really" she said with a laugh. "I don't think you even know what I mean."

"You were never mad at me? Then who was the beautiful blonde who challenged me at every turn? Because I have some very vivid memories of her." He winked when he said the last line.

"I've been mad, you just haven't been there to witness it first hand." She started to remember all kinds of unpleasant memories of her fights with Cece and men who had tried to figure her out. They never quite succeeded in that.

"I see, so you were never that angry with me? Now why would that be?"

"It was different with you…you could always make me forget why I was mad in the first place."

"And how did I do that?" he asked curiously taking a sip of his coffee.

Lily saw how he was looking at her and it took her back, back to the time when everything was so perfect and simple. Moments when she would feel that way about their time together were rare and she didn't know if it was the shot of that terrible coffee but she was suddenly feeling a lot stronger. All the regrets and bad memories of the way things had ended between them were gone and there were only the two of them facing each other as if nothing had ever changed. She couldn't help but reach for yet another line to cross all the while knowing she had stepped past the point of no return the moment she walked through that door. If there was a way of going back she had lost it.

"You know how" Lily finally said powerless to stop the conversation from heading to its inevitable end. She placed her coffee cup on the table next to her and then looked at him letting her eyes say everything she didn't have the strenght to put into words.

Rufus knew his life was already turning into a huge mess but the voice telling him that had long since faded into the background and to him only this moment made perfect sense. It was now or never. He knew Lily could change her mind at any moment and every second counted. He took her hands in his and as their palms touched they both felt closer to each other than they had to anyone else in years. He moved his hands up her arms and Lily could feel every inch of his presence filling the space between them. There was something about that moment that made the years of uncertainty and emptiness fade away leaving only clarity in its place. His hands cupped her face slowly and pulled her closer as he kissed her gently at first half-expecting her to pull back. She didn't. Her hands failing to find support grabbed hold of the back of his shirt before falling back to her sides. There wasn't a doubt in his mind that she wasn't the one. She felt so soft and warm and having her that close, feeling her lips taking in everything he had been missing for all those years was driving him crazy with desire. He slid his hands down her neck and back feeling the silkiness of her hair and every inch of her body that had never really changed over the years.

"I missed you so much Lil', you have no idea" he mumbled under his breath before he kissed her again and laid his hands on her lower back pulling her body closer to his. "Rufus I…" Lily realized what she was about to say but decided against it. "I missed you too" she said quietly and pulled him in for another kiss but it wasn't like the one before. She pressed her lips against his harder and let him see all the want she had kept hidden away all those years. She had almost forgotten how much she could feel and it terrified her. Yet she wanted more. She wanted to feel as alive as she did back then.

Rufus felt that familiar feeling rushing back to him. Suddenly everything fell into place, it was as if she had never left. The first touch was enough to melt away all his problems and it felt like nothing could ever go wrong hands wandered over his chest as if she was trying to remember all the reasons she should let him back into her life yet prepared to push him back at any second. Judging from her heavy breathing it could have gone either way but Rufus had stopped caring. He didn't want to think about all the buts or how it could never work out. All he could feel was Lily's warmth all over him and he felt a power in him he hadn't known for a long time. He knew he had to act fast and so with all the strength he had he grabbed her waist with both his hands and Lily gasped quietly as he laid her down on the couch. He climbed on top of her and their hands squeezed together above her head. Lily tigthened her grip as he laid down to kiss her with all the passion he had in his heart and she returned his kisses all the more hungrily. There was no more Alison or Klaus, in their minds they had ceased to exist,and the room was so quiet Lily could have sworn her heartbeat was the only sound that could be heard. He felt so safe and he truly loved her. It was never like this with anyone else, it never would be no matter how long she'd search. She felt complete. She didn't deserve this. Lily tried to shut down the voice in her head and her fingers went trailing down his shirt and grabbed hold of his belt. Weakened by desire Rufus let his hand wander down where the buttons of her jacket were and while he was trying to find them he could feel Lily stiffen a bit, yet she did not let go. He knew he could have her right there and then if he just kept going but there was a price to be paid later and he wasn't going to let her go for this. So he slowly parted her lips and sat on the floor next to her while slowly stroking her cheek. Lily was staring at the ceiling with no intention of looking at him.

"Lil'?" Rufus said after what seemed like minutes. He didn't let his hand leave her face for even a second because he knew the moment was fleeting and it scared him more than anything. Lily did not answer nor would she look at him.

"Lil', please?" He was trying his best not to let his voice tremble and scare her away but no matter how hard he tried the damage had been done and Lily quickly sat up. "I'm sorry Rufus" she said before quickly standing up and exiting the loft. He knew there was nothing he could say so he just stood up and watched her leave regretting the fact that he had ever let it go so far so soon. Should an opportunily like this ever come his way again he would wait for her to make the first move no matter how long it took. If it was going to happen Lily would have to decide for herself first. With those thoughts he sighed and prayed this wouldn't be the last time he saw her but knowing Lily it very well could be.

"What in God's name was I thinking? It's over! It was over long before and it still is." The guilt was coming back to her and she felt the pain growing in her stomach, it got worse with every step she took. In a way it was a relief, she needed to be punished and there were only so many people she could let it out to. Actually only one, Cece to be exact but they had not discussed the topic in many years. Lily had tried her best to make her mother understand it was closed for good. And now she would have to work her hardest to forget all over again. She would feel guilty at every sight of him and that was the price she would pay for her mistakes. That was how things would remain for the rest of her life. So many times she'd heard the phrases saying how love would conquer all, how it would be all that matters in the end. Somehow she never believed that applied to her. She had made choices in her life that would lead her into another direction but hopefully she would find something that would make her forget. Holding back the tears Lily walked to a cab at a pace so fast anyone passing by at that moment would have thought she was leaving a crime scene trying not to attract too much attention. In a way she was.


End file.
